I’ve never been in love

Para naman maiba, naisip kong Ingles naman ang entry kong ito. Matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nagsusulat sa wikang ito kaya ayos lang tawanan ninyo ang aking inglis iskels:

Hahaha. It may sound awkward and funny but I've never been in love with anyone. I'm not kidding. No offense to those who I had relationship with. I guess, I'm really immature and impulsive.

I realized that, during one of our discussions in Philo. (It's not that I just swallowed every insight Sir shared in our class. Some of them, I found shitty. Example, Kant's is easy to read.) But that discussion we had seemed to be designed to break my skull and wake me with the fact that my love life's a total mess. He asked, "Do you happen to have a friend who gets easily in and out of love?" That question really hit me. I was tempted to raise my hand and shout, "I don't know but I'm like that! I'm really like that! Swear!"

When my friends check me if I'm okay every after break-up and then find me perfectly fine (except for a few suicidal attempts, hehehe), they were really awed and bewildered what the hell I did to feel okay. I told them that I just don't give a damn if they leave me (or should I say I habituated my brain cells to think that way.hahaha). Anyway, there are lots of guys out there. Billions! I just channeled my emotions to other amusing stuffs like blogging, gallivanting and all the "–ings" that will draw the pain away. The next thing I know, I'm again falling for a guy who I met somewhere or had a night (not squeezed between one and stand ha) with. I thought before, I was just too loving… Then the cycle goes on and on.

"WTF is wrong with that?" I was craving for what Sir will tell about those people. He repeated the question. "Do you happen to have a friend who gets easily in and out of love?" The class was too passive. I don't know if my classmates and I shared the same sentiments or they were just too bored. "You know why these people are like that," he continued, "they we're not really in love with someone but in love with their idea of what a special someone should be." That was nothing but nylon! He really hit the bull's eye. He even added, "They are not in love with someone but they are in love through someone." I just found myself nodding to every word he uttered as he elaborated it how this people was so in love with their idea of who to love that they weren't ready to be flexible to accept other people. It's either you pass their standard or you're out of the list.

I started looking back at my past relationships, it was a shame but he's right. I wouldn't deny that I felt bitter and very disappointed every time I had heartbreak. Am I doomed to feel this way? Will my love experiences be like this always? When am I going to be happily satisfied with my life? I guess the answer was very simple. I chose it to be like this. I made it this way. I entered those relationships because those guys have the qualities I am looking for in a relationship. The first one I had relationship with was a handsome basketball varsity and was good in playing guitar. The second was of course handsome and has lots of sense of humor. The rest were very caring and loving. The guys who swept me were very neat and goal-oriented. They were more of bunch of qualities in a guy than guys with those qualities. Did that make sense? Hope so.

Let me take this chance to apologize to those people who I thought I was in love with. See, it was just a figment of my ideals. I didn't mean it. But wait. What should I be sorry for? They left me. That's just it. Now that I realized that I was never been in love with them, I think they were too not in love with me.

On the other thought, is this just my defense mechanism to alleviate the pain from past hurts? Hmmm, could be.